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User blog:Parax./Play
This is a play, just like "Mystery of the Stolen Design" or "Murder on Everglade Alley". It is heavily inspired by the movie Full Metal Jacket. HOWEVER, I need a title. Post ideas in the comments. Scene 1 Several men have arrived onto an island. This island is meant for training people into soldiers of the Navy and Black Guard. They are currently getting their hair prepared and their heads are being sized for their wigs. The men have entered a room filled with bunk beds, all lined up. A man in black clothes and an intimidating skull tatto is standing in front of the line, marching from each end of it to the other. Hermit: Good morning, maggots. I am Hermit, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "sir". Do you maggots understand that? Everyone: Sir, yes sir! Hermit: I can't hear you! Sound off like you got a pair! Everyone: SIR, YES SIR!! Hermit: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon; you will be a minister of death praying for war. But until then, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth! You're not even human beings! You're nothing but unorganized, grabasstic, pieces of amphibian CENSORED! Because I am hard, you will not like me, but the more you hate me, the more you will learn! I am hard, but I am fair. There is no bigotry here! I do not look down on redheads, blondes, blackheads, cannibals, non-cannibals, hobos, royalty, or anything along those lines; here you are ALL equally worthless, and my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in the beloved Navy! Do you maggots understand that? Everyone: Sir, yes sir! Hermit: I can't hear you! Everyone: SIR, YES SIR!! Hermit walks up to one of the darker recruits. Hermit: What's your name, scumbag? John White: SIR, PRIVATE WHITE, SIR! Hermit: BULL! From now on, you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?! Snowball: SIR, YES SIR!! Hermit: Well, here is one thing you won't like, Private Snowball; they don't serve crumpets and watermelons at the cafeteria on a daily basis! Snowball: SIR, YES SIR!!! Joking Recruit: That you, John Wayne? Is this me? Hermit: (marching to the other end of the line) Who said that?! WHO THE FOOT SAID THAT?! WHO'S THE SLIMEY LITTLE PARADOX, TWINKLE-TOED FRUITSEED WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH WARRENT?! Silence Hermit: Nobody, huh? The Fairy-flipping-Godmother said it! I'm flipping standing, I'll PT You all 'till you freaking DIE! (grabbing a recruit next to the joking recruit) Was it you, you scroungy little rat?! Recruit: Sir, no sir! Hermit: You piece of sheep dip, you look like a freaking worm! I bet it was you! Recruit: SIR, NO SIR! Joking Recruit: SIR, I SAID IT, SIR! Hermit: (walking over to the joking recruit) Well, no dip. What have we got here? A comedian? You are now Private Jokester! I admire your honesty, Jokester; you can come over to my house and date my sister, but she's probably too old for your taste! Hermit knees Jokester in the groin, and he falls on his knees. Hermit: You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh, you will not cry! You will learn by the numbers, I'll teach you! Now get up, ON YOUR FEET! Jokester slowly gets back on his feet. Hermit: You had best fix yourself up or I will UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND CENSORED down your neck! '''Jokester: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: Private Jokester, why did you join my beloved Navy? Jokester: SIR, TO KILL SIR! Hermit: So you're a killer?! Jokester: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: Show me your war face! Jokester makes a barely threatening glare. Hermit: You got a war face? (glares menacingly)AAAAAAH!!!!! THAT'S a war face, now lemme see your war face! Jokester: (glares slightly more threateningly than last time)AAAAAAAAH! Hermit: BULL! I'm still not convinced! Jokester tries again. Hermit: BULL! I'm still not convinced! Work on it (walks over to the next guy) While Hermit starts terrorizing the other recruit, another one on the other side of the room, Private Jack Smith, a rather overweight recruit, starts feeling sick. He is clearly terrified of Hermit. '''Hermit': What's your height, Private?! Recruit: SIR, 6'2'', SIR! Hermit: 6'2, I didn't know they stacked crap that high! Jack finally vomits when Hermit suddenly turns in his direction. Hermit instantly glares at him and swiftly heads over to him. Hermit: DID YOUR PARENTS HAVE ANY CHILDREN THAT LIVED?! Jack: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: I bet they regret that! You're so ugly, you could be an art masterpiece! What's your name, fatso?! Jack: SIR, PRIVATE JACK SIR! Hermit: Jack? Jack what? Jack of the donkeys?! Jack: SIR, NO SIR! Hermit: Your name sounds upper-class. Are you upper-class? Jack: SIR, NO SIR! Hermit: I don't like your name, Private! (eying Jack's large front teeth) From now on you are Private Gopher! Do you like that name? Gopher: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: You think I'm pretty, Private Gopher? Gopher: Sir, no sir! Hermit: Am I comical? Hilarious? Funny? Gopher: Sir, no sir! Hermit: THEN STOP SMILING AT ME! Private Gopher tries to get rid of his goofy expression. Hermit: Well, any second! Gopher: Sir, I'm trying, sir! Hermit: Private Gopher, you have 5 seconds, exactly 5 seconds, to wipe that goofy look off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs, and… While Hermit makes rather humorous but disturbing threats towards Gopher, one of the recruits slowly sidesteps out the door. Hermit: …THREE, FOUR- Gopher: Sir, I can't help it sir! Hermit: GET ON YOUR KNEES AND CHOKE YOURSELF, GOPHER! Gopher gets on his knees and starts choking himself. Hermit: (face-palming himself)My hand, numbnuts! Gopher pulls Hermit's hand over. Hermit: Do not reach forward! Lean forward, insert your neck into my hand, and choke yourself for 10 seconds! Gopher does as ordered. Hermit begins yelling at him again. As he terrorizes Gopher, several recruits start whispering to each other. First Recruit: This guy is crazy. Second Recruit: Tell me about it… Hermit: (still yelling at Gopher)…through a four-centimeter tube! Hermit whistles while walking out a door, and the recruits follow. After organizing the recruits that were brave enough to stay, Hermit and the recruits started jogging through the camp. Hermit: Mama and Papa were laying in bed! Recruits: Mama and Papa were laying in bed! Hermit: Mama rolled over and this is what she said- Recruits: Mama rolled over and this is what she said- End of Scene 1 Scene 2 It's been a long time since Hermit introduced himself to the recruits. Private Gopher has been failing his tests miserably, attracting Hermit's wrath. They are currently doing pull-ups. Hermit: Jokester, you're up. Jokester climbs onto a box and grabs onto a bar sticking out of a tall pole. When he tells Hermit he is ready, the latter kicks the box out from under Jokester, who begins doing pull-ups. Herimt: One for the King. Jokester successfully does a pull-up. Hermit: One for the Godhermit. Jokester does another pull-up. Hermit: One for the Navy. Jokester tries to do a third pull-up, but fails and falls from the bar. Hermit: Guess they don't get theirs. Gopher, YOU'RE UP! Gopher climbs onto the box, which Hermit pushed below the bar. He tries to perform a pull-up. Hermit: FASTER, GOPHER! FASTER! Gopher almost makes it, but slowly descends and eventually loses his hold on the bar. Hermit: (enraged)PRIVATE GOPHER, ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU CAN'T DO ONE SINGLE PULL-UP?! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE… While Hermit starts yelling at Gopher, Privates Snowball and Jokester start conversing. Snowball: What is that guy's problem? Jokester: He's just trying to motivate him. Hermit starts using a rat to beat Gopher, who walks away from the bar. The rest of the recruits finish up the exercise and everyone heads to the next exercise; they are to climb up a wall of bars and then climb down it from the other side. Jokester, Snowball, and Jumper make it over fast, but Gopher appears to have trouble on the last bar. Hermit: (sitting on one end of the top bar)FASTER, GOPHER, FASTER! Gopher: (trying to get his leg over the bar)Sir, I'm trying sir! Hermit: Come on, Private Gopher! You are making a fool out of me! You are making a fool out of yourself! You are making a fool out of my beloved Navy! YOU CLIMB LIKE OLD PEOPLE… Jokester: (to Snowball and Jumper)Poor guy… Hermit: If you can't get over the last bar, just climb your way back down! DOWN, GOPHER, DOWN! Gopher: (almost slipping on his way back down)Sir, yes sir! Hermit: Private Gopher, whatever you do, DON'T FALL! If you fall and die, that would break my little heart! Gopher slips but miraculously survives. Hermit: PRIVATE GOPHER, YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO HUMANITY! Hermit backflips off the top bar and lands on his feet right in front of the privates, who have just finished the obstacle. He organizes them in five-by-five lines and assigns them bayonets. Hermit: Left shoulder, HUH! The privates place their rifles on their left shoulders. Gopher puts it on his right shoulder; realizing his mistake, he quickly puts it on his left shoulder, but Hermit sees him. Hermit: (marching over to Gopher) Private Gopher, what are you trying to do to my beloved Navy?! Gopher: Sir, I don't know sir! Hermit: You are dumb, Private Gopher, but do you expect me to believe you DON'T KNOW LEFT FROM RIGHT?! Gopher: Sir, no sir! Hermit: Then you did that on purpose. YOU WANT TO BE DIFFERENT! Gopher: SIR, NO SIR! Hermit slaps Gopher on the left side of his face, knocking his hat off. Hermit: WHAT SIDE WAS THAT?! Gopher: SIR, LEFT SIDE SIR! Hermit: ARE YOU SURE, PRIVATE GOPHER?! Gopher: SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR ANSWER?! Gopher: SIR, NO SIR! Hermit slaps Gopher on the right side of his face, knocking his wig off. Hermit: WHAT SIDE WAS THAT?! Gopher: SIR, RIGHT SIDE SIR! Hermit: Good job, Private Gopher! Now pick up your hat and wig! Gopher: (putting his hat and wig back on, but beginning to cry)SIR, YES SIR! Hermit: (slapping Gopher) PRIVATE GOPHER, MY SOLDIERS DON'T CRY! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, PRIVATE GOPHER?! Hermit slaps Gopher again. Hermit: I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, PRIVATE GOPHER! GROUND YOUR WEAPON, DROP YOUR PANTS! MAKE A FIST AND EXTEND YOUR THUMB! NOW INSERT IT INTO YOUR MOUTH AND FOLLOW ME! Hermit leads the privates in a march. He begins to walk backwards while issuing orders. Hermit: Left shoulder, HUH! The privates put their guns on their left shoulder, take it off, and hold it in front of themselves. Hermit: Left shoulder, HUH! The privates do the same thing they just did. Hermit: Right shoulder, HUH! The privates do the same thing, but with their right shoulder. End of Scene 2 Scene 3 Hermit enters the bunk room, where all the privates are conversing. They all turn in his direction. Hermit: Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name, because this… Jokester begins to carve his deceased wife's name into his gun: Molly. Hermit:…that you're ever going to get! You are now married to this piece, this weapon of iron… and wood… and you will be faithful! So… start carving! The privates begin carving a names onto the gold-colored plate on their rifles. Hermit: (walking over to Jokester and Gunny)Private Jokester. Private Gunny. Jokester and Gunny: Sir yes sir! Hermit: As soon as you finish your bunks, I want you two turds to clean the head. Jokester and Gunny: Sir yes sir! Hermit: I want that head so clean that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to take a dump in it. Jokester and Gunny: Sir yes sir! Hermit: Private Jokester, do you believe in the Virgin Mary? Jokester: SIR NO SIR! Hermit: (slowly advancing on Jokester)Private Jokester, I believe I heard you wrong. Jokester: SIR NO SIR! Hermit: YOU LITTLE MAGGOT! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT! Hermit smoffs Jokester. Hermit: Private Jokester, you better tell me that you believe in and love the Virgin Mary! If you don't, I am going to stomp your guts out! Jokester: SIR NO SIR! Hermit: (choking Jokester)Why you miserable little maggot! Are you trying to offend me?! Jokester: SIR NO SIR! Hermit: Private Jokester, who is your squad leader? Jokester: SIR, PRIVATE SNOWBALL SIR! Hermit: (looking around the room)Private Snowball, show yourself! Snowball: (sprinting across the room and stopping in front of Hermit)SIR YES SIR! Hermit: Private Snowball, you're fired as squad leader. (turning to Jokester)Private Jokester, you're squad leader now. Snowball: SIR YES SIR! Hermit: Begone, scumbag! Snowball runs back to his bunk and hops into it. Hermit: Private Gopher, get your ass over here! Gopher: SIR YES SIR! Hermit: Private Gopher, Private Jokester is your new squad leader. He is your new mentor who will teach you everything. He will teach you how to pee. Gopher: SIR YES SIR! Hemrit: Private Jokester, you have guts, which is enough to prove you're qualified. Carry on! Jokester and Gopher: SIR YES SIR! Hermit walks away.